From: Office of Onboarding
To: All New Recruits
Subject: Simulation Training — Departmental Survival Basics
🐥 Introduction
The Department of Self Love proudly introduces Lily, our Onboarding Mascot 🐥. Imperfect by design and wonderfully human, Lily bravely steps into training simulations on behalf of us all. Her role is simple: to model both the wrong turns and the kind turns — and to forever ask the timeless question: “What Should Lily Do?”
📌 Objective
By the end of this training exercise, participants will:
- Recognise five common self-sabotage traps.
- Practice navigating them with kindness and humour.
- Graduate with a “Provisional Badge of Self Compassion.”
📂 Simulation Scenarios
1. The Inbox of Self Criticism
Challenge: 23 unopened emails, all starting with “You should have…”
What Should Lily Do?
a) Reply to every single email with a full apology.
b) Archive them in one click and pretend they never existed.
c) Draft one polite auto-reply: “Thank you for your input, but we are currently prioritising rest.” ✅
2. The Surprise Meeting with Perfectionism
Challenge: Lily is asked to prepare a 120-page report… due yesterday.
What Should Lily Do?
a) Cancel all sleep and snacks until it’s flawless.
b) Present a blank slide deck labelled “Work in Progress.”
c) Introduce the Minimum Viable Effort policy and schedule a pilot demo. ✅
3. The Fire Drill of Rest
Challenge: Alarms ring: “You must take a break now!”
What Should Lily Do?
a) Stay at her desk, scrolling through self-criticism on her phone.
b) Step outside for five minutes and breathe without guilt. ✅
c) Hide under her desk with coffee.
4. The Office Kitchen Encounter
Challenge: Inner Critic lurks by the fridge, muttering about “snacks you don’t deserve.”
What Should Lily Do?
a) Retreat quietly and drink water instead.
b) Sneak chocolate but log it as a “contraband expense.”
c) Declare: “Chocolate is fuel allocation!” and enjoy it guilt-free. ✅
5. The End-of-Week Performance Review
Challenge: Lily is summoned by her own reflection in the bathroom mirror, which begins the meeting with: “You could have done more this week.”
What Should Lily Do?
a) Nod, agree, and promise to overcommit next week.
b) Argue for hours with the mirror until both are exhausted.
c) Smile, say: “I showed up. That is enough,” and end the meeting early. ✅
🎓 Certification
Lily (and any recruit who chose ✅ options) is now certified as a “First-Week Survivor” of the Department of Self Love.
Your badge will renew each time you choose kindness over criticism.
Respectfully submitted,
Office of Onboarding
“Because no one should fail orientation.”
✨ Bonus Stamp: Survivors receive the character 安 (ān) — peace, ease — on their badge, reminding us that orientation begins with calm.
Department of Self Love 
Leave a comment