Following the Director’s disclosure of her Star Trek viewing, the office kitchen has descended into vigorous debate. To maintain historical accuracy, these assignments are drawn from the era when Captain Christopher Pike commanded the U.S.S. Enterprise (circa 2250s, Star Trek: Strange New Worlds).
Below are the unofficial departmental allocations as circulated during morning tea.
Departmental Assignments
Office of Body Relations → Lt. Erica Ortegas
Physical, agile, thrives on movement.
Quick with a quip, faster at the helm.
Office of Nourishment & Energy → Lt. Spock (Strange New Worlds era)
Precise about fuel, logical about intake.
Secretly approves of chocolate as warp‑core stabiliser, though would never admit it.
Office of Emotional Wellbeing → Dr. Joseph M’Benga
Carries the weight of others’ wellbeing.
Serious, dramatic, quietly poetic.
Office of Productivity & Purpose → Lt. La’an Noonien‑Singh
Disciplined to a fault, always on mission.
Logs every detail, tolerates no inefficiency.
Office of Onboarding → Cadet Nyota Uhura
Eager, detail‑oriented, always learning.
Insists on proper communication and training modules for new life forms.
Office of Self Discovery → Captain Christopher Pike
Philosophical, deeply human, stares into the future with equal parts courage and dread.
Known to take long pauses while gazing into the stars (and himself).
Addendum (Proposed Office)
In recognition of her qualities of discipline, composure, and integrity, there has been discussion of forming a new division:
Proposed Office of Compliance & Integrity → Commander Una Chin-Riley (Number One)
Maintains order when chaos threatens.
Ensures all reports are filed, all rules respected, and all systems run at peak efficiency.
Rarely jokes, but when she does, morale increases by 87%.
While not yet an official office within the Department of Self Love, her influence is already felt across all divisions.
Guest Consultants (Seconded Officers)
In addition to departmental assignments, several honorary consultants have been seconded from the U.S.S. Discovery, whose 23rd‑century missions overlapped with Captain Pike’s temporary command:
Ensign Sylvia Tilly → Morale & Curiosity Officer. Known for enthusiasm, unfiltered honesty, and accidentally saying what everyone else is thinking.
Lt. Commander Paul Stamets → Innovation & Sarcasm Advisor. Provides breakthroughs in unlikely areas, generally accompanied by exasperated sighs.
Commander Michael Burnham → Strategic Initiatives Lead. Brings courage, conviction, and a tendency to solve problems by jumping headfirst into them.
Commander Saru → Advisor for Perspective & Courage. Known for sensing danger, but even more for choosing dignity in its face. Occasionally runs dramatically, but always with purpose.
Their contributions, though not formally housed within a Department, remain significant to the overall mission of self love.
Preliminary Note
Consensus was not reached, but laughter levels were high, suggesting morale has been boosted at least 42%. Further analysis pending additional episodes.
Respectfully recorded,
Unofficial Channels
“Because sometimes the side notes reveal the heart of the mission.”
💡 Closing Anchor Line
Self love may not involve warp drives, but it does involve knowing your crew — and laughing when you realise you are all characters in the same show.
Department of Self Love 
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